Part I: Navigating the Labyrinth of Grief
A Daughter's Journey
Sunset in Penang, Malaysia. 2018.
The weight of loss settled upon my heart like a shroud, casting its shadow over my world. My mother, the anchor of my existence, the beacon that guided me through life's storms, had been swept away by the relentless tide of mortality.
Grief, an uninvited guest, took up residence in my soul, its presence as unwelcome as it was inescapable. It was a foreign feeling, an alien force that gnawed at my insides, twisting my emotions into a tangled knot of sorrow and despair.
In Islam, the mourning period typically ranges from 1-3 days; here I am, three days and a few months later, just came to terms with her passing. The sadness instilled is heavy and dismal.
My 'normal' was forever altered, forever colored by the indelible imprint of loss. Every interaction with my loved ones was imbued with a heightened appreciation and a profound awareness of the fragility of life's precious moments.
Grief, however, remained a constant companion, its presence lurking in the shadows, ready to ambush me with unexpected waves of sorrow. Each day was a journey of discovery, a process of unearthing hidden triggers, of learning to navigate the treacherous terrain of loss.
I vividly remember the first two questions that popped into my mind when I learned about her death; the first was: Will I ever be able to recall her smile out of memory? The second was, what can I do with all the love I have for her? Where should I put it?. A few weeks later, my heart ached, knowing that I didn’t resemble my mom in the slightest and that I couldn’t see her in my face or eyes. I wept.
Yet, amidst the desolation, a flicker of understanding emerged. Grief, I realized, was not the antithesis of love; rather, it was love undergoing a profound metamorphosis. Love, in its purest form, transcended the boundaries of life and death, evolving into an enduring bond that defied the constraints of time and space.
With each passing day, I discovered new ways to cope and new methods to navigate the unrelenting waves of grief. I sought solace in the warmth of loved ones, the comforting embrace of nature, and the cathartic power of creative expression.
This newfound perspective ignited a spark of resilience within me. I learned to love with a fierceness I never knew existed, cherishing every moment with my loved ones and savoring their presence with a newfound gratitude.
As M. Scott Peck eloquently states in his seminal work, and one of my all-time favorite reads, "The Road Less Traveled1," "Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." In the face of loss, I discovered that love extended beyond the physical realm; it transformed into prayers, quality time with her friends and loved ones, checking in with her community, and honoring her favorite acts of kindness.
A couple of days ago, I was struck by a video of the actor Andrew Garfield on a talk show2, speaking about the loss of his mom. Quoting Andrew: “Grief, It is all the unexpressed love. I hope this grief stays with me because it is all the unexpressed love that I didn't get to tell her.” Thus, Grief, though a relentless companion, is my companion. I surrender to that.
- Latifa